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Transition

I've finally made the move over to my own domain.

http://byongbark.com

The move was more strategic than anything. After years of writing my thoughts down and sharing my ideas, I felt that it was time that it served more of a purpose rather than being tucked away for only a few select to see.

Pretty soon I'm going to close up shop here and lock all my past entries. This chapter of my life is closing. I'm moving on.

I know hapachan is still around, hey doll! But if there's anyone else out there who is still on here let me know so I can keep up with your shenanigans. I'll throw you guys into the feeder.

You can always find me on Facebook or Twitter as well.

This isn't good bye. It's more like, I'll see you later.



Off the Grid [Soon]

In a few hours I'll be off at our family estate near a little town in Baja called Colonet. Don't bother trying to find us, you won't. It's on a hidden bluff protected by the local boss - seriously.

I made a cathartic move yesterday and I felt a bit of separation anxiety. This was in response to an action that resulted from my action. I still don't know what it was that I said to her, if anything, it was either wildly inappropriate or the absolute truth. Either way, I'm clueless as to what was said, I just know that she wanted space and if it's one thing anyone should do when another asks for space, is to give it to them.

As tough as it was for me to let go of it, I had to. In every essence, she was like the others. We got along great and if anything made for quite a pair, but she was also toxic in her habits, vicious in her cycles and although she would never admit it - damaged.

Just like the others.

I'm always trying to help people and as noble as it is, it's just as foolish when it's built on an empty foundation. It's time I did the opposite, or in some way, the same.

It's time I helped myself.



The Law of Attraction (Again)

I just finished the Law of Attraction for the second time and realized I was doing it all wrong.

Now it's time to do it right!



It's Just a Feeling

Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts when my spidey senses tingle are projections of things that I may be afraid are true, or if they really are sensing the correct vibe. For example, a woman who suspects her husband is cheating on her, does she feel that way because she's insecure, or because her intuition tells her.

All things being equal, what is it? Let's say there is absolutely no evidence, just shifts in behavior. When a vibe results as a reaction to these shifts are they a manifestation of projection or a sensitivity to the vibe that's surrounds the situation.

I only ask because I don't know.

I can definitely say that many times people out of guilt, insecurity, paranoia even swear they know the truth when there's nothing to be afraid of. While others, are very sensitive to the shifts in people's behavior and can sense that something is definitely wrong.



One Year

This post shouldn't exist here - but it does. Here it is.

Blame the incessant amounts of Russian comment spam that deterred me from coming back - that and I believe I no longer have an audience. Not that I have to write for an audience, if anything I write theses entries for myself and when the time comes, I'll go back to entry #1 and read every single entry over the passed couple of years for spell checks, broken image links and other what nots, organize this bitch into one fitting package of awesome and print it up into a nice book for my own and end this LJ chapter.

In one year, when my paid account expires, I will have moved on to my own domain - quite literally. So within a year I'll have to put together a site that I'm happy with and make my mark from there.

I started blogging before it was even called blogging. Before it was even a journal. Before status updates and twitter, we had a tiny webpage that we updated manually every day, line by line, html code, by html code.

I rode the wave of this blogging thing before it was this blogging thing.

It's time I got back on track and caught up to the rest of the world.



What Perspective?

In times of great duress, stress and anything less, there's always someone clamoring about looking at the bright side, being optimistic, sugar coating dark gloom marathons of rolling thunders, looming darkness only cumulonimbus clouds can surmise and telling you to buck up. "Hey there champ, all you need is a different perspective."

What fuckin perspective?

No matter which way I turn my head, I see disaster. I look to my right, there's a fire, to my left an explosion and behind me? Oh let's not worry about that hail of fuckin starry night bright shockwaves of light coming down and going Tron on my ass.

Even when I try to make something nice happen, I get stuck with a fuck you stick so hard up my ass that I have to laugh. Like seriously L O L just to gain some insight that maybe, just maybe I'm fuckin crazy. "Hey buddy have a donut, oh but first you have to bake it. Good, now that you baked it, take a nice good bite, oh by the way, there's a rat tail in there." I'm not fuckin cray cray, this shit is out of control.

Everyone tells me I'm a good guy. That's bullshit, I'm a horrible person, with a few karma chips to turn in, but where the hell is the prize dude behind the fuckin Chuck E. Cheese counter? I want off this ride, there's no emergency brake and there's no point in dying with all these chips in my pockets, ain't no good if I'm dead, so seriously, Chuck, where the fuck are ya?

I'm done playing the blame game, that's Dkd circa 2004. Give or take. Now I just want to get out of this rut. I've been trying to follow the signs but I can't tell if life is telling me take the road less traveled or if I'm just wimping out when it gets tough, because honestly, if this isn't tough, dude, I don't know if I want what's further ahead.

And this isn't coming from some spoiled Asian kid who's got an emergency parachute and is crying his socks off because he's lost some measures of entitlement. No no, that phase died when shit hit the fan and things fell apart like FOR REALS. I'm coasting with no pilot over some thick ass rain forest that Agent Orange couldn't even crack, both engines are out and captain Hindsight on the radio is scolding me, "shoulda known better than to fly any prop driven plane over some tropical rain forest." Well fuck me, cap'n. Fuck me if I didn't take "stupid movie plots 101."

Fuck it. As I write this, I keep hearing, take the hard road. There's no reward on easy street, you want the fuckin ultimate ending in Contra III? Beat it on hard, there's an extra level in it for you.

Fine.

Fuck the code.

Hand me that gawd damned controller and plug your ears, there's gonna be a lot of cussing ahead.

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Executive Destruction

There's been a lot toiling in my head lately, spinning, churning, bubbling all accompanied with the appropriate cartoon sounds you'd expect to hear. Anger, excitement, confusion and outright mindful rejection.

My social circle is in disarray. It has been in disarray. I know I can't stop people from feeling the way they do, but sometimes, I can't help but to wonder at the level of ridiculousness I have to endure - or if I should even endure it. The worst part of it all is that I don't even know if this person knows how they're behaving.

My "therapist" says that I'm very self aware and that most people, again, MOST people aren't when it comes to their -- issues. So on one hand, I'm pissed because I think my friend should know better, on the other, they probably have no clue that they're behaving so immaturely.

I've been doing things differently. A lot of them stems from the fact that my "therapist" says - which she acknowledges that I already know, but it's a big part for me to accept it and hear it in such terms - I have unrealistic expectations.

Again, I knew that. From girls I want to date, to my own social circle, I set up this web of "unrealistic expectations" setting myself up for disappointment and others for failure.

Which is not healthy.

So along with the other things I'm doing differently, here's to more.



Social Cave-in

A girl I used to date on Mars is friends with a girl I used to date's ex boyfriend from Venus.



My Friends Are Human

I forget that my friends are people too. I forget that I'm human. There's a certain level of expectation that I hold regarding myself and to say that I hold that same expectation with others would be an understatement, which should also remind myself that, I do in fact forget to hold that expectation regarding myself and in doing so, should give lots of leeway with my friends.

In other words. I expect 100% from myself, but often times forget to meet that 100%, not out of laziness, but out of boundless, thoughtless - and not in the selfish kind - auto-motive behavior. We act as we do, but we're not all perfect, so it wouldn't be fair if I was disappointed that someone else was unable to meet that perfection.

I do it with the women in my life, my family and my friends. I most certainly do it to myself, but just as much as I struggle to forgive myself, I should be just as forgiving and forthcoming with that forgiveness with others.

So we all fuck up. Ok.

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Consideration for the Inconsiderate

The word "considerate" is baseline; it's black and white. You either are a considerate person or you're not. It comes with the amount of connotation you want to take from it. Because quite frankly, a lot of people are flat out selfish.

But here's the problem, some people are so clueless to their behavior, that they have no clue that they're being inconsiderate.

They think they're nice people when in reality, they're the biggest bunch of self centered chumps they never knew they were.

Blame their upbringing, their character, whatever.

I wonder if people realize that the very same people they complain about, are the very same people, complaining about them.

If they were mindful of the people around them they wouldn't be accused of thinking only of themselves.

It's funny. It reminds me of a story where a friend of mine *Dave was trying to avoid riding with another friend *Ron. Dave told Ron that he didn't want to ride with Ron because Dave can only ride shotgun on long road trips and since Ron's girlfriend was going to be sitting shot gun, Dave said he'd rather drive himself or get another ride. Ron started talking shit to others about how Dave was lame that he could only ride shot gun and that he was being weird and picky. The truth was, Dave was lying to Ron, because Dave didn't want to get stuck in the car with Ron and his annoying ass girlfriend for 6 hours.

And Dave was right. Ron and his girlfriend are annoying. Nobody wanted to ride with them. Ron and his girlfriend never knew why in the end they ended up driving by themselves. They probably talked shit about everyone else the entire trip not knowing that everyone else was talking shit about them.

Funny how that works.

Be considerate.

*names changed obviously.



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